Toddler Organized Crime

July 31, 2013


I don’t love gangster / mobster movies. But believe it or not, it is not always my turn to choose the movie for movie night.

I’ve done my time. I’ve watched The Heat, Goodfellas and ScarFace without complaint. I’ve stayed awake for an hour of each of the Godfather’s, and insert “Let’s take them to mattresses“, into conversations a few times a year to demonstrate I was paying attention. (I wasn’t, this knowledge is courtesy of Tom Hank’s character in You’ve Got Mail.)

gangsterAs Meg Ryan’s character asks in the You’ve Got Mail  scene linked above, “What is it with men and the Godfather?” Observing my toddler and soon-to-be toddler, I am beginning to think that the fascination with organized crime is, well, innate.

The Ruse: Money Laundering.
If either one stays clean for longer than 20 minutes, the other assists in getting him dirty. This is accomplished by throwing food (the kind that splatters), using the sandbox, using the sandbox after going in the sprinkler or using the others’ shirt as a coloring book.

I am convinced they think that clothes go in the washer and gold coins come out.

The Ruse: Distraction
Want to climb on top of the table and stand on it? No problem, I’ll run upstairs and desperately call for Mom. That should buy you enough time.

Want to dump the brand new bath bubbles on the floor of the bathroom? No problem. I’ll squirm like crazy while Mom changes my diaper so it takes her extra long to get my new diaper on. That should buy you enough time.

Et cetera.

The Ruse: The Good Children
Be, well, a toddler. Keep Mom running all day (start by executing the a fore mentioned ruses), stay awake half the night, and whine most of the day. Repeat until Mom looks frazzled; her clothes are covered in snot and food, and her hair is a mess. Be sure to up your game right before a play-date. At the play-date, be perfectly well behaved. So much so that not only will other mom’s wonder what the heck is wrong with ours, they’ll actually comment that we are SO well behaved and lament that wish they had kids just like us.

The Ruse: The Good Children Reversed.
Be awesome. Play nicely together all morning. Give Mom lots of hugs and kisses. So much so that she thinks a quick run to the grocery store will be an angelic experience. Once in the store, commence fighting and screaming. Once in the check out line up, cry. For no reason. Cry. If people look, cry louder. As you approach the car, stop crying. As you are being buckled into your car seat, give mom a BIG grin.

*This one is actually my favorite, I’ll take a few screams in return for hugs and kisses any day.

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2 Comments on “Toddler Organized Crime”

  1. Kaela Moore Says:

    This is fantastic. And perfectly accurate. I’m quite sure they are smarter than we can even imagine.

    And the washer/gold coins idea…can we make that happen?



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