Guest Post: Don’t Call Me Mr. Mom

May 8, 2013

General Humour, Parenting

My friends at Toddler Trunkrecently posted an interesting piece by Michael Robertson, titled Don’t Call Me Mr. Mom.

While Robertson’s tone on the topic is light-hearted, it by no means means the topic is. He addresses the importance of language, in this case, in regards to challenges stay at home dads face in the present day ‘norm’ that the parent who stays at home is the woman.

I am not sure I thought much about it before – but considering the degree to which women (and some men) have actively worked to change the nomenclature in our work day lives to be inclusive of both sexes (police instead of policeman, people at work instead of men at work etc.), it is ironic that the same attention to inclusivity hasn’t been applied to the domestic realm. I think his post could lead to some interesting discussion.

With Toddler Trunk’s permission, I have reposted Michael’s post below.

Don’t Call Me Mr. Mom

As a writer, I have to believe that words are powerful. So, when people call me “Mr. Mom” or invite me to “mommy and me” groups, those words create shockwaves through our world (with after-tremors of “I don’t belong here”). We will always struggle to make child-rearing a calling that men feel comfortable to answer, or women feel comfortable to ignore, when we use gender exclusive terms to refer to things that any parent can participate in.

Big Jobs

I’ve dreamed of being a father for a long time and a lot of my career choices, in hindsight, helped me train for my new role (I was a teacher in my early twenties before taking a job as a private chef in Europe for a Dutch family with two small children). I’m also no stranger to being in the minority. I was one of only three male teachers in a department of 25. And when I resigned as a writer for a multi-national yoga-wear company, to stay at home with my daughter, the ratio was about the same.

Even so, I was unprepared for the inherent sexism I’ve encountered being at home with my daughter. I was especially surprised by how little the language around the role of caregiver has developed and how these words still paint parenting as a role for women only. ‘Maternal’ is the most common way to describe someone who’s good with children (by contrast, the business world adopted the term ‘Chairperson’ in 1971).

How’s It Going?

It’s a big change for me, going from being the primary breadwinner to being the primary caregiver. And it’s only natural that friends want to know how things are going (for the record, it’s going great) but they have difficulty finding the right words to ask.

For most new moms, the question goes something like, “How’s it going being a mom?” And that’s a perfectly valid question because, for a lot of moms, the transition from office to home coincides with becoming a mom. But being a dad, for me, is old news. People asked me, “How’s it going being a dad?” a year ago.

So, now I get asked, “How’s it going being Mr. Mom?” (One family member even asked me how I was enjoying being the wife. Last time I checked, I still had all my bits.) No-one would dare call my wife “Mrs. Dad” because she’s the breadwinner and takes the trash out but, despite the increasing number of men in my neighbourhood who look after children during the week, child-rearing is still indelibly linked in people’s mind to being a women because of the words we use.

Just Call Me…

I’ve been playing around with words to try to find something that fits. For a while, I told people I was on SaDadical. It made them laugh (great for dispelling any awkwardness) but I stopped because it implies that I’ll go back to my “real job” at some stage. I tried for a while to resurrect the term “Home Maker”. I like its gender-neutral clarity and that it goes beyond children. Plus, I don’t have to stick “stay-at-home” in front of it. But at the end of the day (and sometimes in the middle of the night) I’m a dad, a father, a parent. Just call me that. It doesn’t really matter if I do it from home, at work, on weekdays or weekends. And whatever you do, don’t call me Mr. Mom.

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2 Comments on “Guest Post: Don’t Call Me Mr. Mom”

  1. Lynette Says:

    This is great and I completely agree. When my husband was a SAHD it was difficult finding things he felt comfortable doing with our kids outside the park and the house. MOPS doesn’t let dads join, local play groups gave him the stink eye and it was all around painful. One day I hope people will look upon the merits of the caregiver (ie are the doing a good job) vs. their gender.

    Reply

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