April 17, 2013

General Humour, Parenting

I have a two (and 1/4) year old. I have been warned that the terrible twos will soon make an appearance, and stay, later morphing into the trying threes and the ferocious fours. While I am only a quarter of the way into the year, I believe the term ‘terrible’ is misleading. Terrible means dreadful, horrible, and extremely bad. While I have most definitely been frustrated with AC, I don’t believe he has ever been horrible.

That does not mean he is all sunshine and roses. On the contrary, I am convinced that on the day he turned two, he morphed into…a Gremlin.

"What you see isn't always what you get". Sounds like a two year old to me.

“What you see isn’t always what you get”. Sounds like a two year old to me.

You read it correct. A Gremlin. Right out of Stephen Spielberg’s Gremlins. Generally, he is the cute, cuddly, Mogwai version; wide eyed and innocent, exploring the world around him, often with a mischievous grin and accidental mishap.

Occasionally he is the green, scary kind; temperamental and destructive.

If people warned me I was going to have a Gremlin on my hands, I would have been better prepared. More importantly, unlike Billy Peltzer (kid in Gremlins who breaks the three rules), I would have followed the 3 rules.

1) Keep it away from bright light.
Do you remember the scene in Gremlins when the Mogwai’s picture is taken? He freaks out and hides? Then you have seen many childrens’ reaction to getting their photo taken. I hypothesize it is in fact the bright light that causes children to cry the second they are on Santa’s lap. Ergo, bright lights must hurt a two year old.

2) Don’t get any water on it.
I am happy to report that even after umpteen baths and swimming lesson, my two year old has yet to magically produce his own siblings. Bathing, swimming, sprinklers, slip and sides…all are enjoyable and fun experiences, until it is time to be over, and then I wish it were a rule that I wasn’t allowed to get them wet to begin with. Want the green Gremlin to make an appearance? Tell an exuberant two year old it is time to leave the splash park.

3) Never, never ever feed it after midnight.
Do you know why? Because it means…your toddler is AWAKE after midnight. Nothing promises the green Gremlin’s appearance more than a tired two year old.

I wonder what parenting lessons I can learn from other 80s movies? Looks like I have no choice but to put my What to Expect books away and spend the weekend gathering parenting tips from The Goonies, Monster Squad, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

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